Made In Chelsea RETURNS! Miles seems hellbent on tearing apart Maeva and Ruby’s relationships

Nearly 10 years on from its first ever episode, Made In Chelsea is back. The godforsaken pandemic rumbles on but the cast have been relocated to the Cotswolds to live in a cast bubble, praise the Lord!

Sophie is just thrilled that she can lick anything and everything, should she wish.

Fred has an announcement: a singer is joining their countryside retreat.

‘Michael Bublé?’ Ollie asks, giddier than a milkmaid.

‘No. Julius.’ 

MIC is back and Fred has an announcement: Julius is joining their countryside retreat. He turns up looking like the priest from The Exorcist - turtle neck and overly large fedora

MIC is back and Fred has an announcement: Julius is joining their countryside retreat. He turns up looking like the priest from The Exorcist - turtle neck and overly large fedora

MIC is back and Fred has an announcement: Julius is joining their countryside retreat. He turns up looking like the priest from The Exorcist – turtle neck and overly large fedora

Julius La Rosa, perhaps? No, because he died in 2016. Turns out it’s actually Julius from MIC yesteryear, last seen falling out with Liv and taking part on The Voice.

This promises to provide a good old slanging match with Liv, so that’s something to look forward to.

Reza and Ruby have come along for the ride. Reza always looks absolutely fuming, as if he’s about to put a fist through a wall. Turns out ‘lockdown has been intense’ for the long-term couple. Lots of tiffs about pasta.

‘We don’t bicker, we’re having a laugh, it’s a joke,’ Reza says, referring to their lockdown squabbles, despite his face of pure, unadulterated rage.

Breaking hearts, ruining lives: Miles is back after taking last season off. Spoiler alert: by the end of this episode it's likely he'll wish he'd stayed away

Breaking hearts, ruining lives: Miles is back after taking last season off. Spoiler alert: by the end of this episode it's likely he'll wish he'd stayed away

Breaking hearts, ruining lives: Miles is back after taking last season off. Spoiler alert: by the end of this episode it’s likely he’ll wish he’d stayed away

R'n'R: Reza and Ruby have come along for the ride. Reza always looks absolutely fuming, as if he's about to put a fist through a wall. Turns out 'lockdown has been intense' for the long-term couple. Lots of tiffs about pasta

R'n'R: Reza and Ruby have come along for the ride. Reza always looks absolutely fuming, as if he's about to put a fist through a wall. Turns out 'lockdown has been intense' for the long-term couple. Lots of tiffs about pasta

R’n’R: Reza and Ruby have come along for the ride. Reza always looks absolutely fuming, as if he’s about to put a fist through a wall. Turns out ‘lockdown has been intense’ for the long-term couple. Lots of tiffs about pasta

Being in this house is a bit like a game of Cluedo – each scene is subtitled as per the room it is taking place in. ‘Drawing Room’ – as if the Elizabethan bureau in the corner isn’t enough of a clue. ‘Kitchen’ – as if the giant balloon whisk dangling from the utensil hooks haven’t made this clear.

Julius turns up looking like the priest from The Exorcist – turtle neck and overly large fedora. All he’s missing is a vestments robe and a vile of Holy Water.

Two seconds through the door and he’s already bad-mouthing Liv. Questioned by Sam and Fred on whether he and Liv have ever been romantic, Julius implies she gets about. 

‘She’s kissed everyone around this table!’ he says, even though they’re not around a table.

Give us a clue: Being in this house is a bit like a game of Cluedo – each scene is subtitled as per the room it is taking place in

Give us a clue: Being in this house is a bit like a game of Cluedo – each scene is subtitled as per the room it is taking place in

Give us a clue: Being in this house is a bit like a game of Cluedo – each scene is subtitled as per the room it is taking place in

Delish: Sophie is just thrilled that she can lick anything and everything, should she wish

Delish: Sophie is just thrilled that she can lick anything and everything, should she wish

Delish: Sophie is just thrilled that she can lick anything and everything, should she wish

Speaking of Liv, she’s still with Tristan but it seems he’s said I love you and she hasn’t. Tiff wastes no time in throwing Julius under the bus and telling them that he arrived looking like a Jesuit vicar and called Liv a bit of a goer.

It transpires that Paris – who is named after that rather popular French place – does not even speak French. Mon Dieu!

This works against her when she finds herself awkwardly wedged between Miles and Maeva as they rudely speak in their mother tongues over jam-slathered croissants.

Speaking of Miles, he’s back after taking last season off. Spoiler alert: by the end of this episode it’s likely he’ll wish he’d stayed away.

Under the bus: Questioned by Sam and Fred on whether he and Liv have ever been romantic, Julius implies she gets about. 'She’s kissed everyone around this table!' he says, even though they're not around a table

Under the bus: Questioned by Sam and Fred on whether he and Liv have ever been romantic, Julius implies she gets about. 'She’s kissed everyone around this table!' he says, even though they're not around a table

Under the bus: Questioned by Sam and Fred on whether he and Liv have ever been romantic, Julius implies she gets about. ‘She’s kissed everyone around this table!’ he says, even though they’re not around a table

Mon Dieu! It transpires that Paris – who is named after that rather popular French place – does not even speak French

Mon Dieu! It transpires that Paris – who is named after that rather popular French place – does not even speak French

Mon Dieu! It transpires that Paris – who is named after that rather popular French place – does not even speak French

Later, he decides its appropriate to approach Ruby – a person he has never met – and casually inform her that her boyfriend Reza is ashamed of her.

There is a Gosford Park feel to this series thus far. You imagine that Michael Gambon is about to turn up dead in the library. If not him, someone’s bound to, because lockdown has clearly left the cast gagging for some blood. Maeva is stirring things up RE: Miles. She’s modestly telling James that Miles is clearly still into her because he cant’ find anyone better.

Sophie is in the kitchen, with the bread knife. She’s making dry sandwiches for Ollie and Gareth who reveal they’re hoping to have a baby this year via a surrogate and aren’t having sex anymore to save up a sizable deposit of sperm.

Making babies: Sophie is in the kitchen, with the bread knife. She's making dry sandwiches for Ollie and Gareth who reveal they're hoping to have a baby this year via a surrogate and aren't having sex anymore to save up a sizable deposit of sperm

Making babies: Sophie is in the kitchen, with the bread knife. She's making dry sandwiches for Ollie and Gareth who reveal they're hoping to have a baby this year via a surrogate and aren't having sex anymore to save up a sizable deposit of sperm

Making babies: Sophie is in the kitchen, with the bread knife. She’s making dry sandwiches for Ollie and Gareth who reveal they’re hoping to have a baby this year via a surrogate and aren’t having sex anymore to save up a sizable deposit of sperm

Fury! Julius and Liv have a screaming match out on the ornamental lawn

Fury! Julius and Liv have a screaming match out on the ornamental lawn

Fury! Julius and Liv have a screaming match out on the ornamental lawn

They also don’t have sex now they’re married. ‘As soon as you say “I do,” it turns to “I don’t!”‘ Classic Ollie Locke.

Julius and Liv have a screaming match out on the ornamental lawn because she’s been ignoring him and he has been asking her to promote his musical endeavors. ‘We are not friends because you’re a little b***h!’ she declares, storming off.

It’s a truly beautiful reunion.

The boys are slagging off Miles in the dining room over scones, comparing him to Patrick Swayze.

Liv-id! We are not friends because you’re a little b***h!' she declares, storming off

Liv-id! We are not friends because you’re a little b***h!' she declares, storming off

Liv-id! We are not friends because you’re a little b***h!’ she declares, storming off

Dirty dancing? The boys are slagging off Miles in the dining room over scones, comparing him to Patrick Swayze

Dirty dancing? The boys are slagging off Miles in the dining room over scones, comparing him to Patrick Swayze

Dirty dancing? The boys are slagging off Miles in the dining room over scones, comparing him to Patrick Swayze

Miles, meanwhile, has been obsessively scrutinizing Reza and Ruby’s respective Instagram pages. He is adamant Reza’s content is very much that of a single man. And on inspection, it’s true. There isn’t a sniff of poor old Ruby, God lover her! Just lots of shots of him in T-shirts and tinted glasses sitting on walls and occasional furnishings.

Sam coins the term ‘f**k-boyery’, and brands Miles one of these. This is partly because he and Maeva have been going around, sneaking into little corners of the mansion and conversing in French.

We get it guys – you’re French!

Miles’ interest in Ruby is reported to Reza who claims that he couldn’t give a fig. ‘I look at it and laugh,’ he says, very much not laughing and clearly seething with volcanic repressed inner ferocity.

Bonjour! Sam coins the term 'f**k-boyery', and brands Miles one of these. This is partly because he and Maeva have been going around, sneaking into little corners of the mansion and conversing in French

Bonjour! Sam coins the term 'f**k-boyery', and brands Miles one of these. This is partly because he and Maeva have been going around, sneaking into little corners of the mansion and conversing in French

Bonjour! Sam coins the term ‘f**k-boyery’, and brands Miles one of these. This is partly because he and Maeva have been going around, sneaking into little corners of the mansion and conversing in French

A watched pot...! Miles' interest in Ruby is reported to Reza who claims that he couldn't give a fig. 'I look at it and laugh,' he says, very much not laughing and clearly seething with volcanic repressed inner ferocity

A watched pot...! Miles' interest in Ruby is reported to Reza who claims that he couldn't give a fig. 'I look at it and laugh,' he says, very much not laughing and clearly seething with volcanic repressed inner ferocity

A watched pot…! Miles’ interest in Ruby is reported to Reza who claims that he couldn’t give a fig. ‘I look at it and laugh,’ he says, very much not laughing and clearly seething with volcanic repressed inner ferocity

It’s black tie night! Sophie is dressed as a swan. She speaks to Miles about why he’s taking Maeva on starlit walks and saying things like ‘Voudriez-vous m’accompagner pour regarder l’étang à carpes koï?’

Apparently Miles also told Tiff that he’d like to ‘light the match’ with regards to ruining Ruby and Reza’s lives.

Sam confronts him about this, accusing him of trying to also mess things up between James and Maeva for sport.

‘That’s f**k-boyery!’ Sam insists. ‘I’m not taking this s**t from you!’ Miles says, flouncing off.

Virginal: It's black tie night and Sophie is dressed as a swan

Virginal: It's black tie night and Sophie is dressed as a swan

Virginal: It’s black tie night and Sophie is dressed as a swan

Intel: Apparently Miles also told Tiff that he'd like to 'light the match' with regards to ruining Ruby and Reza's lives

Intel: Apparently Miles also told Tiff that he'd like to 'light the match' with regards to ruining Ruby and Reza's lives

Intel: Apparently Miles also told Tiff that he’d like to ‘light the match’ with regards to ruining Ruby and Reza’s lives

James, meanwhile, is calling out Meava on the Frenchness between her and Miles.

‘I got to a point at dinner where I felt I almost needed to tap your leg!’ he tells her, fuming about their tête-à-têtes.

Meava gets hysterical! ‘We are just taking about when we used to eat pasta together!’ she cries.

What the hell is it with this lot all having pasta-related arguments in this episode [see above, Reza and Ruby].

He's had it! James, meanwhile, is calling out Meava on the Frenchness between her and Miles

He's had it! James, meanwhile, is calling out Meava on the Frenchness between her and Miles

He’s had it! James, meanwhile, is calling out Meava on the Frenchness between her and Miles

Tête-à-têtes! Meava gets hysterical! 'We are just taking about when we used to eat pasta together!' she cries

Tête-à-têtes! Meava gets hysterical! 'We are just taking about when we used to eat pasta together!' she cries

Tête-à-têtes! Meava gets hysterical! ‘We are just taking about when we used to eat pasta together!’ she cries

‘You can’t be the police!’ Maeva screeches at James. 

‘But why do you need to go for a walk with Miles in the f**king rose bushes?’ James bites back. 

Or, as Miles would say: ‘Pourquoi avez-vous besoin de vous promener avec Miles dans les f**king rosiers?’

Made In Chelsea continues on Mondays at 9PM on E4.

Called out? Sam confronts him about this, accusing him of trying to also mess things up between James and Maeva for sport

Called out? Sam confronts him about this, accusing him of trying to also mess things up between James and Maeva for sport

Called out? Sam confronts him about this, accusing him of trying to also mess things up between James and Maeva for sport

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